Every parent in the world has experienced a tantrum with their child. We all know that to a certain degree this is a normal part of development. Children need to find their way, learn to communicate and learn to control their emotions. But, that doesn’t mean as parents we particularly enjoy those moments!
So, as parents how do we help our children through that phase of development as quickly as possible? And help them shift their behaviors into more effective forms of communication?
Here are 3 tips to remember in order to help your child with that shift:
1. First, remember, behavior IS communication. Children are going to communicate in whatever way is easiest and most effective for them.
All children learn to communicate through behavior, starting from the day they are born. Babies cry and we pick them up or feed them. As parents, we’re even often able to differentiate between their cries!
We learn which cry means they are hungry, which cry means they are tired or which one means they need to be changed. They cry and we meet their needs. We tickle babies and they laugh, so we tickle them more!
Before infants and toddlers have their words, the only way to communicate with us is through behaviors. Whether it’s crying, laughing or pointing to what they want, they’re all behaviors. Therefore, the key to shifting this is how we as parents respond to our child’s behavior.
In order for children to stop throwing tantrums and instead communicate what they are wanting or feeling in a more appropriate way – they need to learn that it is EASIER and MORE REWARDING or more effective to use “our way” vs. their behavior.
This is the same for children of any age or developmental level. Including a child with Autism or a developmental delay, or a child developing along the typical time frames.
So think about a current behavior you are seeing and want to help your child shift. How can your child learn that communicating appropriately will be easier and more effective for them? (PS, if they get what they want by performing the behavior, they have proof it works for them. Then you’re going to have to really prove to them otherwise).
2. Knowing the function of the behavior is KEY in knowing how you should respond to the behavior.
There are 4 functions of every behavior. In other words, every behavior is happening because of one of these 4 reasons. To know how to respond to a behavior, you have to know which function is behind the behavior.
The 4 functions include:
- Access
- Escape
- Attention
- Sensory
To learn the difference between functions and how to respond based on each, check out our free parent training. That is definitely your best next step.
You can also check out our blog post “Not All Behaviors Are Created Equal”
So, for every behavior you want to decrease, the first step is always figuring out which function is behind the behavior. From there you will know what the best way to respond is. Do you ignore it completely? Should you help them with different strategies… it all depends on what the function is.
Consistency is key! Meaning consistency every time, in both your expectation of the child AND in your response to the behavior.
3. Acknowledge, Model and Reward
These 3 ideas are vital in effectively shifting behavior into language or into any more effective form of communication.
Acknowledge:
First, be sure you acknowledge that you understand what they are communicating through the behavior. Or that you understand what they are feeling. This is especially important when the function of the behavior is due to access or or escape.
“I know you want the candy bar.” “It stinks that we can’t go to the park right now. I know you really want to go to the park.” “I understand you don’t want to sit at the table.”
Model:
We need to mode the behavior or the communication that we want them to use, EVERY time! This mean, make sure you are not just focusing on the unwanted behavior. Instead, that you are actually modeling the right language for them to use or actions for them to take.
Many children don’t just innately understand what we want or the right way to act. They also may not have the right words. We need to clearly teach them, and it takes lots of repetition. Model for them the words they should use instead!
With language, make sure you are also modeling at a level that is appropriate for them. You must model what is realistic for them to say or do. For example, if your child is only using 1 or 2 word sentences, it will not be effective if you model long sentences. Be sure to model at the right level.
For a child that doesn’t have words yet, it is vital that you find another way for them to communicate. If you are struggling to find other ways for them to communicate, definitely reach out to me.
Comment below, message us on Facebook or email me at [email protected]. If your child doesn’t have another way to communicate, they have no option other than those behaviors. They also have no way to tell you how they are feeling or what they are needing or wanting. I’m happy to talk you through different strategies to consider.
Reward:
Last but very important is REWARD!
Remember, they need to learn that using language or any more appropriate form of communication is effective and rewarding. MORE effective and rewarding than the behavior. This means in the beginning, every time they communicate to you the right way, it needs to work for them! It needs to get them what they want, so they learn using that communication or more appropriate behavior works!
Of course we know it is not realistic for our child to always get what they want. They do need to learn that sometimes even when they ask nicely they won’t get what they want. But at this stage, first they need to learn how to communicate effectively. They need to learn that communicating with you or using language works better than using the unwanted behavior.
So when you are starting, pick your battles! Start with things that you know you can be consistent with your expectations and your response. And consistent with being able to reward them when they communicate in a positive way instead of using a behavior.
Free Parent Training
If you’re at this place with your child, whether you have:
- an infant or toddler and want to make sure you are doing everything you can to help them develop language skills quickly and decrease behaviors
- a child who is currently exhibiting a lot of behaviors that you want to address them right way, or
- an older child with Autism, a developmental delay or delay in language and you want to help them develop their communication skills and decrease behaviors
…check out our FREE parent training!
In this training on decreasing behaviors and improving language skills we dive further into all of these areas discussed here and specific strategies and real life situations! When you request the training, you’ll get access to the recorded training right away, and you will also get a huge bonus and discount on our full parent course on this topic if you decide you want to dive even deeper and get more support!
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