As a parent, especially a parent of a child with Autism, so often we get wrapped up so deeply in fighting for our child and focusing on what needs to be done or what more we should do, we lose sight of what is most important.
There is no doubt that parenting includes plenty of worry, stress and fear. So, how do we balance that with the incredible love and joy everyday? Finding this balance allows us to truly enjoy our family and be the parent we want to be.
Check out these 8 tips to help you refocus on what’s most important, even when it’s not always easy. Step back from the stress and chaos and try to experience the most important moments with more peace and joy.
1. Self care & Self love
We give everything to our kids. All of our energy, our love and our time. But if we don’t take time to practice selfcare, then we can’t show up as the best version of ourselves for our kids.
We’ve all been there when we have lost our patience (or our minds) over little things. Sometimes we are running on empty, and trust me your kids can see it. Ever wish you could show up as the mom with patience, love and fun? You need to take care of yourself first. Your own mental, emotional and physical health!
Remember, you ARE teaching your child how to love themselves and treat themselves (and how to treat you). If you look into your child’s future and they are treating themselves the way you treat yourself? Would you be proud of them? Happy for them? Yes, then that’s perfect. However, if it’s no – think about how you can practice more self care and self love.
Your first excuse will be that you don’t have time. It’s always the first excuse for every one of us. But any amount of time is an improvement! 5 minutes of listening to music and walking outside; 10 minutes of reading a book or listening to a podcast; The extra time after a shower to pamper yourself with lotion and all the loving energy; Buy yourself flowers; No money – pick yourself flowers; Whatever it is that lights you up inside… take the time! (Stay tuned to our next article devoted to this).
2. Relationship Check
How are you communicating with your spouse or loved ones?
If you have a spouse, so often our relationship with our significant other takes the backburner once we have kids. Our sole focus is on our responsibility to our beautiful children. Then, we end up forgetting about the responsibility we have to our marriage or relationships.
This can lead to so much built up frustration, bitterness and resentment that we don’t even realize is there. We often grow distant without even knowing it, because there is just not enough time in the day. Sometimes we even play the blame game with each other.
If you have children with Autism or special needs, the added therapies, appointments, stress and fears can compound this. Next, add in different levels of acceptance and different parenting styles, and there can be a lot of extra strain on relationships.
We need to remember that our relationship with our significant others has to be a priority. Taking time for each other and to strengthen your relationship does not take away from your kids. It makes you a stronger parent.
Remember they are watching...
Our kids do not just listen to what we say – they learn from who you are. They hear and watch the way you interact with your spouse or loved ones. Your kids learn from you how to communicate with those we love. They learn from watching how to treat others and how we should allow ourselves to be treated. So are you modeling for them the relationship that you would want them to have as an adult?
Make your loved ones, including your spouse and even your other family and friends a priority. Those relationships are part of who we are. And the strength and support we get from those relationships, makes us stronger through the tough times.
3. Communication with your children
Do you feel like sometimes you are just following your child around, correcting their behaviors and keeping them safe? If you feel it, they feel it too. Are there ways for you to offer ideas or alternatives in the positive, instead of constantly monitoring or correcting them?
Do you celebrate their positive actions? Bring fun and positive reinforcement to the good things that happen throughout the day? Are you celebrating or using positive language just as often each day as you are using corrective language?
Stopping to reflect on the tone and energy we use with our kids throughout the day, can make all the difference in our relationships and in both of your days.
If you have a spouse or other children, you will also be shocked at how much your communication style and tone with 1 person, affects everyone in the family.
4. Acceptance Check
Warning – this is a hard one to be honest with ourselves about sometimes. It’s not to offend you or make you think badly of yourself. It is to hopefully help you move forward in a positive and loving way. And be able to better experience the joy around you with your child instead of the stress.
How accepting are you of your child? If you have a child with special needs, are you accepting of who they are in this moment, or are you constantly in the emotion and action of trying to fix them? Help them? Address a behavior? Address a challenge? Find them the perfect support?
Listen, this doesn’t mean we ever stop fighting for our kids. We don’t stop advocating for our kids or trying to help them have all the resources and support to become the best version of themselves, and have the best life and future. It’s not that.
But in the moment… in the moment of every day, can you love them exactly where they are and for who they are? Can you let go of the guilt, worry and fear for long enough during the day to truly see them and enjoy them as they are?
Focus on their strengths and don’t worry about their challenges during every moment. Keep sights on what brings them joy, and the joy they bring to you and others.
There are times to fight for them. There are times to address their behaviors and/or focus on their therapies. But there are also times to let it go and just enjoy them. Sometimes as parents, we spend so much time fighting for them, that even though it is 100% out of love and wanting the best for them… we miss out on the joy we could be experiencing in every moment with them.
These moments are the ones that will truly build your bond and make both of you and your relationship stronger for the tougher times.
5. Join their world
Look at what they love and join their world. Ignore what you think you should be doing, or they should be doing. Ignore the way you think they should be playing, and just join their world.
Let them see you enjoying the things they enjoy and you will be amazed at the bond and trust that begins to form. Yep, that’s right – this may mean spinning with them, running with them, playing with shaving cream or water or playing with toys in ways you don’t quite understand… but if you take the time to join their world, you will see them start to invite you in more often. And you will see them start to show interest in joining your world more often as well.
Parents of children who do not have Autism or any special needs… this is for you as well! Show interest in what interests them. Don’t dismiss their interests, acknowledge and honor their interests and you will see your bond grow. When your bond and trust grows, you will see more joyful moments and less stressful moments.
6. Reframing behaviors & choosing your battles
Sometimes it’s important to remind ourselves in the heat of our frustration that our kids often are the ones struggling.
They are not always giving us a hard time – but instead they are the ones having a hard time. Sometimes “behaviors” may look like the child is having a tantrum or being difficult. But in reality they are struggling and they need us to understand that.
That’s not to say that it isn’t frustrating and even sometimes exhausting for us as parents. But reframing it can make all of the difference in the moment, and in the long term to help our child.
For children with Autism (and even for children without any diagnosis), there are many things that can lead to frustration and acting out. 3 of the biggest reasons are:
- Sensory challenges
- Language delays
- Difficulty with understanding their emotions or emotional regulation
If a child is “acting out” or having a “behavior” due to one of these reasons, and you treat it like a child having a normal temper tantrum, you can be causing your child more frustration and anxiety. This also stresses the bond between the two of you. And it adds stress and anxiety into your family. In these cases, you are not necessarily helping the child to learn or decreasing the “behavior.”
If you think this may be the case with your child, we have lots of resources addressing language delays, behavioral challenges and sensory processing. Email me at [email protected] or direct message me through FB or IG with what area you are looking for resources or information on, and I am happy to help you navigate through our free resources.
That does NOT mean we enable them or don't expect more from them... this is about how we react as parents, not what we expect of them.
Now with that said, this does NOT mean just because your child has Autism or any other special needs that you do not address other behaviors or discipline them as you would any other child. It just means we need to understand the true root of the “behavior” when deciding how to react.
Ever find yourself getting frustrated and yelling at your child, or using time out or common disciplinary methods but feel like they are not working or are causing more stress on everyone? Instead of these responses, your child may need other types of support to find ways to communicate more effectively, to understand their emotions and be able to respond to them appropriately or to deal with their sensory sensitivities or sensory needs.
Check out some of our additional resources on behaviors and sensory challenges below!
7. Consistency and Structure
All kids need consistency and structure, but this is often even more important for kids with Autism. And true for kids of all ages. Of course we want our children to be able to adapt to change. That is something to definitely work on with your child. But overall, they are going to feel more safe and more comfortable in a consistent and structured environment.
They feel safe and less anxiety when they know what to expect. And believe it or not, this also makes it EASIER to teach them strategies to adapt to change in a healthy way. We do not want our children to live in a constant state of anxiety.
8. Knowing your child and their uniqueness
Remember that what works for one child, doesn’t work for all children. You know your child best and focusing on what seems to work for them is the most important thing. Trust your instincts. Don’t be afraid to talk to your child’s doctors and therapists about what you are feeling and seeing.
For example, we know there are many therapies and different types of activities that can be incredibly beneficial for our kids. Often kids end up with days and schedules completely full of some combination of school, speech therapy, occupational therapy, ABA, psychology appointments, social groups and many other activities.
Now every single one of these therapies and activities (as well as others) can have incredible benefits for our kids. But you also shouldn’t feel the pressure as a parent to do it all… all the time… forever. You should talk openly and honestly with your child’s doctors and therapists to truly figure out the right plan for your child. Don’t be afraid to make changes or take breaks.
For some kids and at some points of their development, this may mean a schedule full of 20-40+ hours/week of therapies and activities. But it also might not.
Sometimes our kids need a break from certain things. Often our kids do better focusing on certain aspects of their development, while taking a break from others. Sometimes they need to focus on rest, recovery and fun. And some kids do amazing with full schedules with 8 hours/day of therapy and respond well to it.
Listen to your instincts! Lean on others!
Just know… there is no right or wrong. There is no perfect answer and there is definitely no one size fits all approach. The path comes with a lot of trial and error. Watch and listen to your children. And not just their words, but their behaviors, body language and every other way they find to communicate with us. Consider that when making those decisions about what is right for them today. And what might be right for them tomorrow.
Don’t put the pressure on yourself to do it all or do it perfectly. It’s not possible. There truly is no right and wrong answer. Listen to your child, and listen to your instincts. Use your support system… find a support system if you don’t have one. It’s amazing when you surround yourself with other parents who understand. Life changing.
There will always be moments of doubt, questioning of your decisions, frustration and fear. Lean on others and most importantly give yourself grace. You are amazing and if you focus on loving your child, celebrating who they are and never giving up on them… you will be doing it right, I promise.